A few months ago I decided I had enough of the baby weight and started the process of trying to lose the weight I had gained when I got pregnant with Josiah. I was tired of being tired and tired of my clothes not fitting. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be thinner.
I started counting my calories and running 3-4 times a week. I eliminated most junk food from my diet, aside from an occasional treat. It was working. Yah, I’d hit a plateau here and there, yah, I’d slip up and eat too much salty stuff on a Saturday or Sunday. But for the most part it was working. The weight was coming off, my body was changing, the fat was disappearing, My endurance was growing and I was getting healthy.
I was starting to gain some self confidence. I felt good about myself. I was losing weight and inches. Saturday morning I was at an all time low. Lower in pounds than I was before I got pregnant. I was 2.8lbs away from my goal weight. It was chilly, so I had on my new “trendy” jeans. and a cute t-shirt. I did my hair, I had make up on. and I felt pretty. Even Skinny. I spent the day excited and proud of the way I looked. I even looked at other girls/women I saw and compared myself to them. “Yah, I’m skinner than her,” “Yah, I’m almost as skinny as her!” I thought to myself.
Sunday I felt pretty good too, not quite as good, because my little splurge of Cook Out chicken fingers had me up a bit on the scale. but I still looked good.
This morning I got on the scale. I was up 2 more pounds. a total of 4 more than Saturday morning. “WHAT THE HECK?!” What did I do? How did I gain 4lbs over the weekend? How is it even possible? The scale must be wrong. I must be holding water weight, yah, that’s it, I must have had too much salty food over the weekend. I don’t even feel good about myself today, I feel chubby, unattractive even.
I start off my day frustrated. The kids are fighting. Josiah is fighting sleep. I’m obsessed over ever drop of food or liquid I put in my mouth. A friend asks me if I’ve read my Bible today after I tell her I’m frustrated. “nope. and I don’t even feel like it right now. The kids wont sleep, the house is chaotic.” “I think you should do it right now if none of the kids need you, just take a minute to read.” she says “I’ll do it when they all fall asleep” I say. she says something else, i didn’t even reply to the text….
30 minutes later they are all asleep, I open up my Beth Moore Bible study, Breaking Free. Day 4. It was about King Hezekiah and how even the most humble man fell into pride… SMACK. the words hit me just as hard as a brick to the forehead. PRIDE. Oh. yah. I spent all this time making my body healthy and in the process made my heart sick.
Losing weight is great. It’s good for you. The only problem is I become completely obsessed. Obsessed with every bite of food I eat, everything I drink, every exercise I do, and every day that I don’t exercise. Then, when I start feeling good about myself I forget that the only reason I even lost one pound was because God gave me the grace, ability and endurance to accomplish it.
I’m not done losing weight, I’m not done running, I’m not done counting my calories. I am done obsessing, I am done being prideful, I am done thinking I have done any of this.
