9.5 years ago (I am dreading having to say 10 years…) when I graduated high school I was a young, loud, hyper, outgoing girl who was pretty happy with what her life was and where it was headed. I went off to College, leaving behind my wonderful high school friends, youth leaders and fiancé, knowing that no distance could EVER change those relationships. They were the most important thing in the world, unbreakable. I knew I would make new friends, but their friendships would remain.
It didn’t take long at college before I realized the relationships I thought would never change, were changing. My fiancé and I broke up, my youth leaders got a divorce, and my best friends made new friends and we all got too busy to talk every day like we used to. I was still a young, outgoing, crazy girl. Who was making new friends.  I was still happy with where my life was going, even though it was a little different direction than I originally thought.
Two years into college, I realized I had met (via the internet) the guy who would become my husband. I also realized my life was now going in a completely different direction. The young, hyper, crazy, outgoing, girl was moving to the south and getting married. (not that I didn’t want to get married!)
Shortly after moving down here I discovered life was way different outside of school, and even more different in the south. not too many people could handle the young, hyper, outgoing, sarcastic girl that I was. I also realized I cared more about what people thought of me than I thought I did. So the search began.
I slowly began this process of ‘growing up’, changing who I was, what I said, how I acted and even what I wore. Gradually over the last 7 years the young, hyper, outgoing girl has turned into a calm, less sarcastic, nervous, self conscious mom.
I am not sure why it hit me when it did, but at Church today I was looking around and realized I had no clue who I was. What I thought was me making myself “grow up” was no more than me trying to make other people happy. I’ve tried to make myself fit in wherever we go, thinking other people would like me better if I was skinnier, if I dressed more preppy, punk, whatever, if I said the right thing, if I did the right thing, if I had the right shoes.
You want to know the truth? real friends will love me no matter what. Even if I dress different than them, Even if I am a little crazy and outgoing, even if I am a little sarcastic.
The problem with realizing this after hiding myself for 7 years is that a lot has changed. I am a mom, I am older. So instead of being me being easy, I now have to figure out who that young, crazy, outgoing girl would have become over the past 7 years had she let herself change naturally, over time, through experiences. I am going to remind myself daily to let me be me, no matter what other people might think. (Don’t worry, I wont get too scary.)
